As the year comes to a close, it is that time of the year to sit down and reflect. It feels sometimes in the midst of those very blue days that it has been a bad year. I have many a days where all i could do is to curl up and cry. It is true that too many tears have been shed. A dear uncle passed away. A few friends leaving here. Woes of a dear friend.
Out of habit, I only seem to focus on the bad things that happened. While forgetting the good things. There were many.
I’ve travelled my fair bit this year. I had the opportunity to see Manchester, India, Utrecht, Japan and the US. Some countries that I have only dreamed of going. But to finally see how the colorful Saris on those beautiful graceful Indian women, the havoc of a market in India, the beautiful lights hitting the canals in lovely Utrecht (a city I would live in a heartbeat), the wonderfully cute knickknacks in Japan, the land of Hello Kitty, to hunt for Geisha’s in Gion and to stand in front of the Pacific ocean, thinking how recently I was on the other end of that ocean. It has been a good year.
Mentally, I feel inspired this year. I’ve listened to talks and works of people that amazed me, makes me curious. But more importantly, to find a little niche in my field, I think I would love to work on in the future. At least, for now, the uncertainty doesn’t look as foreboding as before. There is something that I would like to know and find the answers to those questions.
I’ve learned a lot about the people around me too. While some things came in a sad realization, some came in a good surprise. I do have people who I could count on. Who brings out the good in me. And people who can gives great advices. One of which describes life as a house, with its door and windows. Even if all of them seem to be closed, there will always be one that is slightly open. You just need to have the patience, perseverance to find it.
I really hope, next year will be a good year. More doors are opened, more windows i could climb in.
A lovely long weekend in the Netherlands….
You’ve been gone for almost two years now. I still miss you. I miss your presence, your laughter, your voice, your smell, your squeezing hugs, your skin, you. Even now, this broken heart of mine still loves you so very much. My mind still can’t accept that you are gone, dead. My heart still questions why. There is no answer. Only void. Only darkness.
I hope you are happy, that you are free, that because you are shining so brightly, that I can’t see you.
I hope I can let you go. That you can let me go. That I will stop grieving. To love again. To feel my heart pound, my stomach flutter. The excitement of a kiss, a touch.
God. I miss you so damn much.
Could you just… just come back to me?
Samuji Fall Winter 2012
I rode my bike yesterday for a long ride in a glorious autumn’s day. It evoked the emotions of being grateful and lucky. I was grateful and lucky for being here, at that moment, in good health, with good friends, for being alive, for knowing to appreciate how rare these moments are when I am fully aware of these glorious moments. For not having to work on yet another weekend, to be inside a room, looking at microscopy images. If only, one can remember that glorious feeling of the warm sun on my skin, the breeze on my face, the river flowing so gracefully and calmly next to you as you cycle along it, a friend close by, talking and sharing details of her life.
Sometimes, what life needs is just a bicycle ride in a glorious weather.
"Happiness is a lasting state which does not seem to be made for man in this world. Everything here on earth is in a continual flux which allows nothing to assume any constant form. All things change round about us, we ourselves change, and no one can be sure of loving tomorrow what he loves today. All our plans of happiness in this life are therefore empty dreams. Let us make the most of peace of mind when it comes to us, taking care to do nothing to drive it away, but not making plans to hold it fast, since such plans are sheer folly. I have seen few if any happy people, but I have seen many who were contented, and of all the sights that have come my way this is the one that has left me most contented myself."
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Reveries of the Solitary Walker
Watching: Full house
It has always been the same.
It is time for change. It is really, really time to let go